I was fearful of this trip.
When you want something so badly there is always the potential for disaster. The human ego works that way. Or mine does!
How do we get the balance between managing our expectations and desires and our reality?
I knew Bangkok would be my nemesis. The first long leg of this trip: stifling heat, crowded pavements, stale air, strange smells ( ENOUGH fish sauce!!), an alien tongue (to me) and long, long traffic jams.
Stairs, so many sweaty, concrete stairs and managing my caravan of six.
There are new certainties as the week wears on: there is always a 7-Eleven somewhere; the taxis are beautifully air-condtioned and boast delightful interiors (we're talking LEDS, constellations on the ceiling, suede and leather design combos).
The uncertainty is: what we will eat and when (we did eat a scorpion but purely for bragging rights), drinking water, sleep actually happening as a combined result of jet-lag and sheer humidity, crossing a 6-lane dual carriageway with a pram, Xavier's nappies
(when/ where?), Xavier's tantrums (ditto), our tantrums (always public!).
Our family wedding was absolutely beautiful. One to look back on and savour and worth every ounce of effort and sweat. The family, the LOVE, the boat ride to the venue, the champagne on the balcony, the ABUNDANCE of flowers, the children, the teamwork, the actual wedding!.... But that is another blog.....I'm
But so much traveling this week and we are all utterly spent. Well past any reserves; energy and tempers are frayed. "Bring it back to the breath" I keep telling myself. I haven't actually murdered anyone yet so it must be working. I have raised my voice in public places and walked off down market streets quickly, only to realise after the initial about-turn that I must turn back or be lost forever in this city. A city the size of an English county I'm sure; certainly a higher population than London or New York!
There is nothing I long for more than to escape. My inner child seems to be the biggest responsibility I have to manage on this trip. In a work-a-day situation, I am very happy to tell my inner child to belt-up and put-up, but holidays are always different.
I am still a mother.
I feel so inadequate at times it is almost despair. The sweat is pouring into the mosquito bite scratches and I feel slightly dizzy.
And now to Ko Phangam. The long-awaited island paradise. The rhythm of turquoise waters reminds me that this is a living planet, the lush green, the space, the sound of children playing. The reuniion with my childhood friend, so eagerly awaited and so uplifting.I can breathe.
I no longer despise myself or my husband. Like the click of fingers, peace is restored. Perhaps it was Bangkok.
Am I in my comfort zone? No. Still sweaty, bitten, uncertain. But happier.
I realise I need nature like I need water. In 24 hours I am reconnected to everything that matters to me. I am not ashamed of my limitations. This trip has reminded me of my limitations but also shown me how quickly I can recharge. My resilience.
In yoga, we talk about finding our Dharma in life. Dharma is our purpose. This is a very different intention to finding peace, freedom or the pursuit of happiness. It is an outward focus on service. Funnily enough, it's through Dharma that we can and do find all of the above!
No matter how hard it can be at times, this trip made me realise that my Dharma is tangible; it is already with me, not a distant dream on a to-do list. My Dharma is my family and my teaching. Neither of which are easy, but it's down to me to make them work and the pleasure I get when they do work is the force that drives me.
Gazing on to the most beautiful beach view I think I've ever seen, I realise that my heart must match this scene of peace and beauty or it means nothing. This is a work in progress. But purpose, I'm ready. Thank you Thailand.